Dear Logan,
I am sorry that I couldn’t be good to you.
I am sorry that I couldn’t watch you- grow, laugh and cry. I don’t get to.
I am sorry that I never felt you.
In fact let me stop because I know it isn’t healthy to linger on past thoughts.
I can’t though, can I ? I’m always doing great until I see a trigger.
I mean before it was a tv show and today it was a tweet.
I would have been so good to you Logan, I would have loved and killed for you Logan.
It’s funny how I expected myself to be crying like I usually do because at this point we are a good few minutes in now.
I’ve got more to write so I know the water works will come soon enough.
I was selfish, inconsiderate and I lacked thought.
I know they tell me not to say those kind of things because I am not to blame. I wish that I believed them to be honest.
I mean look at this…every sentence has started with “I” when this is about you.
You’ve probably wondered how I’ve been these past few years. Even though I’m sure you’re probably watching when I’m not looking.
I keep my head above the water, I am taking writing seriously as a profession.
As you found out yourself I’m still a lover of wine. That was a really shitty moment to use dark humour right ?
Fun fact I haven’t been back to paint-balling since you were around.
April used to be a difficult month for me, I did really well this year though!
The pandemic last year was a bit crazy, I spent most of it inside maybe that’s why I’m a homebody now.
University? I officially finished in summer so I’m done with that place. I know you felt it’s bad vibes when you visited.
Random thought…is this letter closure ? I don’t know why I actually wrote that question down but maybe it’s time. I guess you can tell me.
I think that before there is closure, there needs to be forgiveness.
Fun fact I’m writing this letter to you whilst sitting at my desk in the office between training sessions.
Meh, maybe that tweet on my lunch break really did hit home looool.
How is he ?
He’s doing great I guess. He is thriving physically, spiritually and mentally.
He always seems to be doing great in our check ins which is pretty good.
I wish I was like that all the time; you know just bouncing in the air and loving life.
Don’t get it twisted I am miles ahead of where I was before or even last year.
I jus- I don’t get it, sometimes just sometimes as silly as it seems I imagine how my life would be change if you had not left it. If you had just stayed.
You probably would have been my best friend.
Honestly I do wish I felt you more, wish I understood you more and maybe we would have left limbo a little quicker.
I guess the point of this letter, or I guess me responding to you with a letter for this first time I might add is to tell you that I am okay.
Oh gosh the tears have arrived, I can feel my eyes filling up. It would have to be at the end of the letter too.
My timing is impeccable.
Anyways as I was saying I am okay, In fact more than just okay, but I never forgot you. I would never forget you.
A year doesn’t pass where I don’t slip into the back of my head and picture what life would have been if I was more self-aware. My selfishness wouldn’t have sent you away.
I guess in the future I’ll be less hard on myself, I have a tendency to overthink.
I just miss you. Do you think it’s weird how you can miss something/ someone who was never solely yours and belonged to themselves? Either way I do.
Please be proud of me and please forgive me Logan.
Warmest regards,
M JC
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